Am I Adding to the World?

“An amateur writes for himself, a professional writes for an audience.”

I’m not sure where I heard that, but it seems to be true. I think it must have been The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, but I’ve been listening to so many audiobooks that I get lost in which one says which thing. This is a good thing because eventually, I will be able to synchronize the knowledge I am gaining and create something of real value. Someone told me there is only “Now,” (I’m prone to think I got that from Eckhart Tolle) so I think from this point I will spend my time writing something of great value to society – to add something important to the public discourse.

Currently, I write every day, whether I work for wages or not. I mostly write for myself but that is because I am trying to find peace and harmony for my mind. I suppose it is a good thing to feel reality pass through my mind and on to some kind of platform, whether it is paper through a pen or into this strange thinking box through that weird tablet of buttons. The thinking box and tablet of buttons is an easier way to share it, but it is often good to write the ideas out first in pen.

I want to lead by example, but when I get asked to write tips on how to function properly in the world I assume the reader gets by better than me. I am a thinker, a sometimes profit creator and I suppose most often just a consumer. This blog will get my writing out there, but the three of you who are reading it have lost their way. You are the beginning of a great purpose of life. The trouble is I am currently 32 years old and I am yet to make an actual impact that I can feel. Some would say that I can be proud of all that I have accomplished through art, music, and writing but I do not feel the loving grip of actual accomplishment. I feel delusion and that leaves me with peace. That could be the concern of this kind (or lack of) reality.

“Creating something that can be copied over and over will make a large increase in one’s capability to make money that does not require an overall change in effort.” I heard this in one of those audiobooks as well. I pensively repeated it to myself and thought, “I have been putting music and writing on the internet for almost 20 years and I have made like $16 from these repeating files.” That is the important thing to remember because this book would have me stop doing what I do because it is not making an impact. I have not and will not stop creating art because that is what my soul’s purpose is. I write every day but I do not share that wisdom because a lot of it is repeating something like, “What the hell is wrong with you? You aren’t making money because you are a damned loser…” and other things that I hear society tell me through my manias and depressions. Some of it is really good, though.

When I am manic I do things like put incomplete books in the Library and Archives of Canada and post insane answers to Yahoo Questions claiming to be people who I obviously am not. I am very confident and think that I am someone who has created a lifetime of useful artwork that will create a peaceful future for all of the humanity. I feel like I am a genius in these moments. I think I did a test one time and they told me I was, but apparently I am not the kind of genius that makes any money from his genius. It is amazing how much my self-worth is affected by the amount of money I am making. This always seems to lead to depression. That is the essence of bi-polar disorder, something that they tell me is because of the chemicals in my brain (and due to nothing more).

I belong to happiness, I think. I am not concerned with the actual reality. I am owed as much as I owe to the people around town, even though I do not have the money I am owed yet. I have an amazing way of always having just enough money for what I need and want. Perhaps it is like the self-styled gurus say and I just need to believe a little bit more. Perhaps I am able to have enough because I think that is all I need. These are dangerous ideas but it seems like they are partially true in this part of the world.

Of course, as far back as I can remember I have wanted to write and make music for a living and it seems like I will never make an impact in either of those processes. People I see around town tell me they like my additions to the overall media. They say that I do good with my radio show and strange music that I have put on the internet. My other blog has something like 15 000 views. Still, very little money is sent to me from this magic internet space. I’d just like to make a difference in the world. I just want to influence people to be good to each other. That is kind of my purpose for all these crazed works.

I’m not sure that the music will ever become the kind that peoples the world over play in their cars on the way to work or while they are brushing their teeth. This is okay with me, because like the writing I do music for myself. A small number of people like the work and they are happy to listen to these strange and avant-garde songs. I am able to play forever because I am an adult that can do whatever he wants with his time. I just need to be wary of the consequences.

There is a peace in all this. I think, though I am afraid to mention it, that I am going to post a written note to this blog as often as possible. Maybe one day I will be able to make some money through these words or at least be able to use this stuff as a reference. But already, look at the troubles. You don’t care that I am struggling to make money. You want to hear that I have made millions and can show you some kind of system for making you millions. People are self-interested and only want you to give them something. Once you ask for something in return they tell you to jump off a bridge. At least, that seems to be the way these last few months have been going.

I try to add to the world, people. I am trying to add to this world.

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