Desperation is important because it is going to create a world in which this author is found by the universe, if not some group of readers who care what I have to say. There is very little for me with this kind of hope. We belong to happiness and find truth within the suffering. I think that all the people want to find happiness in their hearts. That is key to knowing the eternal reality of life. The other key is that drugs don’t seem to work, they just cause more pain.
I have simple happiness coming from this method of therapy, much more than I found in taking these painful feelings and sticking them deep inside. The peaceful and painful method of stuffing the feelings deep inside does the same thing as drug use does. It is an instant relief that causes more damage in the future.
Recollection of past traumas makes one think that they will be able to face the truth. I have things that haunt me and I will never be able to see clearly because memory is a fickle thing that causes one to only recall the last time that the person remembered something. I was talking with a psychiatrist about this once and they told me that even though I remembered being kidnapped and tortured it did not mean it had actually happened. I’m not entirely sure that it did not, because I don’t exactly know who I am if you look at me. I’m probably just the person I think I am, but whether I am or I am not who I think I am, there is half of my consciousness that is not telling the truth to the guy who is supposed to be in charge in here.
I do not understand my life. It seems that I am free to do these things, to write and make art with fervour, but it is like I lack the confidence to demand money from my work and thereby create a life that I feel it is good for me to continue to do these things. Like a peaceful kind of rapture, I find love in the simple things. I don’t need to make a lot of waves, I just want to heal.
My method of healing is to create a space where I can listen to soft music, audiobooks and other interesting things so that I can create some kind of actual resolution where I make real changes in the way I feel. I don’t want to hate myself but I fall into these traps. I am creating something important with my time but do not have much to explain that it has been worthwhile. I know that all these things I have done have been worth it because I am in the process of healing and creating skills that are important.
I am alone with my thoughts for a great amount of time every day and I cannot stand to not do anything. At the same time, I need to create something that benefits humanity and is for the greater good. Something that makes me feel insignificant and like I am a usable commodity (someone who is replaceable) makes it very difficult for me to get up the gumption to do the work, even when money is offered to me. This is something that I am afraid of, because it pisses a lot of people off. I don’t understand myself sometimes, most people just go do something they dislike because they are given money and they feel like money is important.
Money is important, but a part of me wants to say, “Nobody ever got rich working for a living.” I can’t say this, because I am not even making a little bit of money right now. I have income coming, but I am not adding to the amount that is coming in. Perhaps one day this work will be influential and will have the kind of audience that grants me the serenity of a hundred dollars a day. In truth, you will never know if it will unless you put in the legwork and take the risk. A part of me thinks I should be trudging around in the snow right now, though. I should at least shit or get off the pot.